In a development that doesn’t surprise us in the least, Andrei Kirilenko wept after Game One. For the record, he cried because he sucks too much to stay on the court, not because his team lost. The man affectionately known as AK47 wielded all the strength of a water pistol on Saturday, finishing with two points and one rebound and spending the entire fourth quarter on the bench.

If “total crybabies” were a legitimate NBA statistic, the Jazz would be crushing the Rockets in this series. Staying true to his appearance, baby-face Matt Harpring whined throughout the game. Jerry Sloan’s reputation for toughness took a big hit after Game One. We expect things to get dirtier and floppier in game two.

Thanks to strong performances from McGrady and Yao, Shane Battier won his first playoff game in 13 chances after going 0-12 with the Grizzlies. “It’s on me,” Shane said before the series. “I’m finally the supporting cast for a pair of legitimate superstars.” There’s nothing wrong with being a bridesmaid when the bride and groom are T-Mac and Yao. Metaphorically, of course. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Both Dallas and San Antonio were upset on Sunday, making the Rockets the only team in the Texas trio to successfully protect its homecourt advantage in the first game of its first-round series. Ahh, how the tables have turned.